I hope you had a wonderful week! Ours was a bit busy, so we’re looking forward to the Shabbat rest! As mentioned last week, we’re moving on from Yeshua’s ministry in our marriage study and into references made to marriage in the remainder of the New Testament writings. We’ve got some interesting things to consider, so let’s get into it!
The first thing to recognize is that there is actually quite a bit that Paul wrote about marriage in his letters to various churches and people, and it is all very consistent, echoing a similar, if not even the same, message multiple times. This, and the fact that we still struggle with living out this message today, suggests that the believers of the first century had the same marriage difficulties that we have! It’s not surprising though, as we’ve identified previously that while we like to think we’re so much more advanced than mankind 2,000 years ago, mankind as a whole has not changed fundamentally as much as we think we have.
We’ve already mentioned multiple times the hierarchy established between a husband and wife, so we won’t belabor that point any more than we already have (Ephesians 5:23-24). As a part of our study though, we certainly must look at what Paul wrote surrounding this hierarchy, because he provides some additional context for the readers of his letters to understand what this hierarchy means in practice. However, while everything he writes is certainly useful in figuring out how we are to conduct ourselves in marriage, we must familiarize ourselves with what Paul’s view of marriage was according to scripture (i.e. what’s written in the Old Testament). After all, according to his own word, he viewed those in marriage as having to follow marriage law (Romans 7:2), and whatever was written in the Jewish ketubah regarding the marriage covenant ultimately stemmed from the Torah.
As we review the Old Testament requirements for marriage, we must acknowledge that there were some…differences between then and now. Namely, there were other forms of covenantal relationships that existed at that time of which we do not have today. Nor should we, according to Paul (1 Corinthians 7:23, 1 Timothy 3:2, 12, Titus 1:6). We are speaking, of course, of a master-slave relationship, and more specifically that of a concubine. The thing to remember however, is that if we look at some of the requirements given for these relationships we can still use aspects of them to determine YHWH’s view of marriage. In other words, if His requirement was such for a slave, how much more would that requirement be for a normal marriage?
The first such instance we’re going to look at is in Exodus. Directly after the giving of the Ten Commandments, and after the extra detail given about idolatry, commandments regarding Hebrew slaves are given. In those commandments, the example of a servant girl being taken as a wife is described, and it is stated that if the man takes another wife, the first wife (the servant girl) is not to have her food, clothing or marital rights reduced (Exodus 21:10). In other words, the husband can’t decide he wants to move on to someone else and leave the first wife out to dry. It must be as though nothing has changed in their relationship, and if he does not meet that commitment she can leave without having to pay for her freedom (Exodus 20:11).
Now, we’re not in concubine relationships taking multiple wives these days (and to be clear, I am not condoning that action either!), but we can apply this to our marriage by seeing that the intention here is for the wife to be provided for by the husband with, at a minimum, food, clothing and marital rights. Marital rights, in this context, is sometimes translated to conjugal rights, and that may or may not be accurate (this is the only occurrence of the Hebrew ownah in scripture to figure out its biblical meaning), but at a minimum it means cohabitation, according to Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance. Therefore, as a husband, we are expected by YHWH to provide these things for our wife.
This segues into another reference in scripture to a dual-wife situation in which one wife is favored over another. In this commandment, if the wife that is unloved bore the husband his firstborn son, that son is to receive the right of firstborn inheritance, which is that he receives a double portion of the inheritance given to the other son(s) (Deuteronomy 21:15-17). While again, we’re not in multiple wife relationships, we can still apply this to our marriage. This, combined with the previous example, shows that YHWH expects us to fulfill all our roles and responsibilities as a husband regardless of how we feel about our wife (whether temporarily or permanently!). To put it bluntly, and perhaps a bit brashly, we don’t have to love, or even like, our wife, but we have to still treat her as our wife and honor her as such!
Should we love our wife? Absolutely! Paul makes that abundantly clear multiple times (Ephesians 5:25, 28, Colossians 3:19), and Peter even chimes in to exhort husbands to give honor and consideration to their wives (1 Peter 3:7). The application of these commandments in the Old Testament is simply that husband is to do these things regardless of what’s in his heart for his wife, and on the flip side, not loving your wife is not a “get out of jail free” card to not do these things.
There are also requirements in scripture regarding affecting a spouse’s reputation. While the Old Testament commandments focus on false accusations of infidelity or premarital relations (Numbers 5:12-13, 27, 31, Deuteronomy 22:14-21), and specifically accusations from a husband to a wife, the New Testament epistles expand these requirements much the same way Yeshua expanded the requirements of the Law. Not only do they include reference to both the husband and the wife, they discuss a more holistic requirement of how we should treat our spouse, which includes affecting their reputation.
We can read the words Paul and Peter wrote regarding honoring and loving our spouse, but unless we stop and think about what they mean, they’re just going to be feel-good words written on a page. When you read that a husband is to love his wife just as Yeshua loves the church and see the examples Paul provides regarding this (Ephesians 5:25-27), you have to take time to figure out the application. In terms of reputation, since that’s what we’re focusing on right now, if a husband were to speak ill of his wife or even just join in the “guy talk” of things about his wife that annoy him, is that not putting a stain on her? A blemish? Even placing blame that she does something wrong in your eyes?
When you read that a wife is to respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33), is a wife commiserating with her girlfriends about her husband’s cleanliness or bad habits really respecting him? Is a wife really submitting to her husband (Ephesians 5:24, Colossians 3:18, Titus 2:4-5, 1 Peter 3:1-5) if she’s talking bad about him to others? A spouse does not have to like what the other does or not be annoyed by it, but whether we realize it or not, speaking down or bad about someone is ultimately a form of showing or exerting dominance over that person. Essentially, we’re saying, “I know more about ____ than this person,” or, “I do this _____ way better than that person,” therefore, “I have the authority to judge the person on _____.”
Throughout the course of our many years of studying scripture together, we have found over and over again that words mean something. The old rhyme that, “…words can never hurt me,” is patently false. This situation, between a husband and wife, is no different. One of the most detrimental things to a marriage is a husband or wife that speaks ill of the other, and it doesn’t matter if it’s to people outside the marriage or to the spouse his- or herself. The world has minimized the effects of these types of statements various ways, not the least of which is through sitcoms on television, to the point that it’s been normalized as being just a part of everyday conversation. Even worse, these statements open a barn door, figuratively speaking, to marriage infidelity, whether it be physical or emotional. Others who hear them are much more likely to develop some type of bond with you as they either relate to what you’re saying or want to show you personally that you don’t have to live with that in a relationship.
Let’s be clear though: at a minimum, making comments like these taint your spouse’s reputation just like in ancient Israel improperly accusing a wife of premarital relations tainted her reputation. And the consequence for that sin back then? A payment of one hundred shekels of silver, twice the amount required for physically raping a virgin (Deuteronomy 22:28-29). That’s worth over a thousand dollars today alone, but when you look at what a shekel was used for back then, just one shekel was about a month’s wage for a common laborer. In terms of offerings, the redemption price for a firstborn male one month to five years old was five shekels (Numbers 18:16) and for a male 20-60 years old it was 50 shekels (Leviticus 27:3). So an Israelite virgin's reputation was worth double what a 20-60 year old male was worth.
So, 100 shekels was certainly worth something significant then, but today, the sullying of your spouse’s reputation is worth much more. Not only can it result in the destruction of your marriage, which is significant in and of itself, it can, and likely will, result in the emotional destruction of your spouse. Realizing that the closest person in your life, the one who you should be able to trust wholly and completely, doesn’t respect you or your marriage enough to talk to you about things, rather than people outside your marriage, is devastating and could ultimately be catastrophic. It is an act of betrayal no matter how much you think your comments are benign, and there is a high likelihood that your spouse will carry scars from that throughout the rest of his or her life to the point where he or she will never trust anyone again.
In closing for this week, we’ve seen the importance of maintaining respect for our spouse, including his or her reputation, and the fact that we are to fulfill certain requirements for our spouse no matter how we feel about him or her. Going forward into next week, we’ll jump back into the New Testament with both feet and look at some key aspects of marriage like where our duty/loyalty should ultimately lie, what to do with a spouse that is not a believer, and what it actually means to submit. We hope you have a wonderful week!
Shabbat shalom and YHWH bless you!
-Rob and Sara Gene
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