We’re back fully in the New Testament this week with our marriage study. The passages we’re going to get into are likely ones you’ve encountered before if you’ve read any scripturally based books on marriage, but I have a feeling there may be one or two you either haven’t seen associated with marriage or haven’t considered previously to be associated with marriage. There’s quite a few, so we will not get through all of them this week!
The first thing to get into is that other than direct references to married individuals and how they are to act, there are verses that indicate what characteristics our marriage should have. These are statements in which aspects of marriage are stated in the context of requirements for those that are set up as leaders in the ekklesia of believers. We won’t get into some of the background definitions of these types of categories of people, but we do recognize that based on the requirements they were expected to be role models.
A widow who is in need and left alone was to be “enrolled” if she was the wife of one man (1 Timothy 5:9). You can tell by the context that the role of the widow in the ekklesia was to be a model for faith in YHWH and the living for Him rather than pleasure for herself (1 Timothy 5:5-6). In fact, younger widows were to be refused enrollment because their desire to re-marry, and various other extra-curricular activities, would be their focus rather than faith in YHWH and they would incur judgment in that respect (1 Timothy 5:11-13).
A man was only allowed to be an overseer, a deacon, or an elder if they were the husband of one wife and a good manager of their children and household (1 Timothy 3:4, 12, Titus 1:6). Clearly, by the requirements for the widows, deacons and overseers, monogamy is a requirement for a model marriage! This is confirmed also by the writer of Hebrews (Hebrews 13:4). Additionally, a model husband runs his household well and his children are on their best behavior.
As far as running the household well, this Greek word used helps us figure out what that means. It is proistemi, which literally means “to stand before.” In other words, a model husband stands before his wife and family and leads them. This word is used in various other places, and if you recall, we also saw it in our study of Romans. When Paul was listing the gifts of grace, he included leading, and that if someone had the gift of leadership they needed “to stand before,” with swiftness (i.e. don’t delay being a leader) (Romans 12:8). In his letter to Titus, he also stated that he wanted believers to be “devoted to good works,” according to some translations, however the word he used is actually proistemi, meaning he wanted them to take the lead in good works (Titus 3:8, 14).
There are obviously other takeaways from these descriptions of model believers, and I encourage you to review those as a goal for what we should strive for as believers. In addition to these descriptions of models for marriage, there are blatant directions from the New Testament writers as to how husbands and wives should act. And they get pretty specific! We’ll start with the directions to the husbands as the leaders of the household first, and then move onto the wives.
As husbands, we are to love our wife (Colossians 3:19), and this is the agape love we have studied previously. As a short reminder, this is the unconditional love that neither requires nor expects anything in return. We are also to treat our wife with “consideration/understanding” as a “weaker vessel” and “honor” since she is a fellow heir of salvation, meaning eternal life (1 Peter 3:7). Now, these terms deserve a closer look since the English translation doesn’t do them justice, and we’ll start with the latter first.
The term “honor” here is translated from the Greek word timé, and does not really mean honor as we think of it today. When we think of honor today, it’s that we’re giving something or someone some type of respect based on status. For instance, bowing to a king or queen is giving them respect based on their position as the head of a nation. This Greek word however, is more referring to value, and we can see that in its use in the book of Matthew. When referring to the thirty pieces of silver Judas was given to turn Yeshua over to the authorities, this is the Greek word that was used (Matthew 27:6, 9).
The chief priests refused to take back the money because its use as a payment to give Yeshua over to death tainted it, making it the value of blood. When Matthew referenced the Old Testament, thirty pieces of silver was the value set on Yeshua by the people of Israel (Zechariah 11:12-13, Jeremiah 19:1-6, 32:6-9). As you can see, this is not honor as we would think of it today, it’s more a statement of value. In other words, a husband should treat his wife with value based on her being a fellow-heir in salvation.
The translation of Peter’s statement of consideration/understanding a husband must give his wife can be a little misleading if we don’t take a look at the Greek like we did for the word honor. The first part of this verse, if translated, word for word, literally from the Greek, would read, “The husbands similarly cohabitate according to knowledge since weaker vessel the woman…” So, ultimately what does that mean?
First off, Peter calling the woman a weaker vessel is not him saying that women are weak, by any means. The Greek word for vessel simply means a container or an instrument by which anything is done. In this case, the context makes perfect sense to be a reference to the human body since it is the “container” for our spirit. You can see that in other verses where it’s used in this context when believers are told to control their vessel (1 Thessalonians 4:4) and that we are currently in an earthen/fleshly vessel (2 Corinthians 4:7). Peter is saying husbands need to recognize (have knowledge) that YHWH designed women to be physically weaker than men, in terms of muscular strength, and to remember that as we live (cohabitate) with them so we can help them do certain things when needed.
There is a key to this verse at the end though. Peter lets the reader know that doing these things, treating our wife with value and being ready to help them when needed, actually helps us, and by extension our family, in an interesting way. If we do the opposite of these things, devaluing our wife or not helping them, our prayers will be hindered. This Greek word for hindered, egkopto, literally means “cut into,” and the example HELPS Word-studies gives is “introducing an obstacle that stands sharply in the way of a moving object.” If our prayers are hindered, not only will we not be able to ask for help or even just talk to YHWH, we won’t be able to intercede for our wife or children either. Clearly, valuing and helping our wife is an important part of being a husband!
We are also given direction regarding our physical relations in marriage. Namely, neither husband nor wife should withhold sexual relations from each other so that they might not be tempted to lust after another person (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). In the same way, husbands are to love their wife’s body as their own (Ephesians 5:28). Paul uses the word soma here, which means the physical body. In fact, Paul even goes so far as to say our physical bodies are under the authority of our spouse!
The direction to the wife is that they submit to their husband (Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1-2). Not just when it’s convenient, or when she agrees, either. It’s interesting, because Peter makes a point to say wives should submit even if their husband is disobedient to “the word.” Word is not capitalized in my Bible, I’m confident it’s not in yours either, and the Greek is just the generic logos, so there’s no reason to think Peter means anything but just generally logic. So what he’s really saying is that even if the wife presents a logical argument, statement, or request, and the husband goes against it or disagrees, she should still submit to him.
Do you know why that is? Because either deep down the husband knows he’s in the wrong and his pride is getting in the way of admitting it, or eventually he will realize he’s wrong. Either way, the action of the wife of submitting regardless speaks volumes to the husband about her heart and her dedication to him. Peter likens it to external things people do to make themselves look pretty, like fancy hair or clothes and jewelry (1 Peter 3:3-6). The true beauty of a woman is a gentle, quiet spirit, and that shines forth even brighter than any of the shiniest jewelry.
It's important at this point to point something out though. There is an extent to this submission. Perhaps you recall a certain infamous couple who were making a donation to the mission of the ekklesia. They sold their property and gave a portion of the proceeds to Peter rather than all of it. For their lie, they both died (Acts 5:1-10).
Yes, this is an important lesson about lying to YHWH, but it’s also an important lesson in marriage. Ananias and Sapphira were married, and both were in cahoots on this plot to lie about their donation. However, Sapphira was given the opportunity to come clean and tell the truth. Instead, she prioritized her loyalty to a literal dead man, her husband (who had already died without her knowing), over her loyalty to the truth and to YHWH. When it comes to submission, a wife, or anybody for that matter, has the duty to remain loyal to YHWH’s expectations for us as believers, not the least of which is to remain truthful in all that we do (Proverbs 6:16-19, 12:19, 22, 19:9, 21:6, 24:28, John 8:44, Exodus 20:16, Revelation 21:8, 27, Colossians 3:9, Leviticus 19:11, 1 Peter 3:10, Psalm 5:6). And remember, once you allow the lying spirit in by choosing to speak lies, it has a sneaky way of convincing you you’re somehow speaking the truth.
That’s it for this week! Next week we’ll close out our study with a look at what to do if you have a spouse who’s not a believer and we’ll summarize some of the things we’ve gone over through this study. Shabbat shalom and YHWH bless you!
-Rob and Sara Gene
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